Category Archives: Las Vegas WTF

Experiment Reveals Average Face of Las Vegas Escorts

A Canadian Web site has collected data and used face-morphing software to reveal the average face of female, male and transgender escorts.

The site used 277 images of Las Vegas escorts and has correlated the morphed images to escort price points. It’s a wacky idea at first glance, but the results are intriguing.

Here’s a look at the average faces of female escorts at various price ranges.

Female Las Vegas escorts

This is definitely not the place where we’re going to suggest the next study compare average escort gazongas, because that would be wrong.

The site takes care to note prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas, but escorts often sell their services as “companionship.” If anything romantic (or physical) happens, it’s the choice of the escort and falls outside laws prohibiting prostitution.

Yeah, we don’t really understand it, either.

Still, the morphed images are telling, and speak to the way our culture values certain beauty standards.

According to the site, “the most expensive female escort seems to have more refined features” and “has lighter skin and looks much younger” than the less expensive escort.

We’re curious who the escorts are who charge $10-99, and by “curious” we mean “please contact this blog immediately, if you get our drift.”

Here’s a look at the average face of the male Las Vegas escort.

Male Las Vegas escorts

Look, there’s no male equivalent for gazongas, so get off our back.

Yes, there are male escorts, which we have to admit we didn’t actually realize was a thing until approximately 10 minutes ago.

The Web site shares, “As the price point for an escort increases, each man’s features become more refined and model-like. It’s also important to note that the men become lighter skinned as services become more expensive.”

On a related note, “Male escorts charging more than $500 an hour seemingly wear nicer clothing as well.”

The site also morphed the faces of transgender female Las Vegas escorts.

Transgender Las Vegas escorts

Stop with your judging, it’s Las Vegas.

About the transgender female escorts, the site claims, “Those who fetch top dollars look professionally made-up, while the less expensive escorts have somewhat plain hairstyles. However, the transgender woman who charges between $250 and $499 an hour has the lightest skin. Interestingly, the most expensive escort has the darkest skin.”

Who knew?

We have zero sense of the scientific validity of the information provided in this experiment, but it’s a fascinating look at a Las Vegas subculture that doesn’t often get the spotlight.

We asked an actual escort, Nikki Irish, her reaction to the study, and she replied, “Who took time out of their life to do that?” We’ve found Nikki tends to not beat around the bush. So to speak.

The site used 95 male, 105 female and 77 female transgender images to create its morphed images. Male transgender escorts weren’t included due to a lack of available images.

See the full project at the Web site in question, and kudos to the site for getting us to link to them. That’s some online marketing gold right there.

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Caesars Entertainment Resorts Roll Out Paid Parking, Vegas Surprisingly Still Awesome

Las Vegas visitors and locals have had some time to adjust to the idea of paid parking, and now things have gotten real. Parking fees for self-parking are now being rolled out on the “other half of The Strip,” specifically, at Caesars Entertainment resorts.

Paid valet parking has been in effect for several months at Caesars Entertainment casinos, and since mid-2016 at MGM Resorts hotels (valet and self-park), but now guests will get dinged for self-parking at Caesars Entertainment destinations in Las Vegas, too.

So far, paid parking has been instituted at Linq Hotel & Casino and Caesars Palace. Next up is Paris and Bally’s (April 6, 2017).

Here’s a look at the newly-installed parking machines at the Linq casino.

Linq paid parking

Maybe John Connor could come back and terminate these.

Unlike at MGM Resorts hotels, self-parking will remain free for Las Vegas locals at Caesars Entertainment resorts (for the first 24 hours).

Parking is also free for visits of 60 minutes or fewer.

You can also park free at Caesars Entertainment resorts if you reach the upper tiers of the casino’s loyalty club, specifically, Platinum, Diamond and Seven Stars.

Linq paid parking fees

Lesson: If you rack up charges over multiple days, lose your ticket. Just saying.

One can also avoid being charged for parking by getting the Total Rewards Visa card. There’s no annual fee, and getting the card bumps you up to Platinum membership, so you can sidestep parking charges. The same tactic works with the M Life Rewards card through MGM Resorts.

Parking fees vary at different Caesars Entertainment resorts, just to keep things interesting.

At Linq, Harrah’s and eventually Flamingo: One to four hours, $5; four to 24 hours, $8; more than 24 hours, $8 per day.

At Caesars Palace, Bally’s/Paris, Cromwell and Planet Hollywood: Up to four hours, $13; four to 24 hours, $18; more than 24 hours, $18 per day.

At the moment, there’s no plan to charge for parking at Caesars Entertainment’s ugly stepchild, Rio Las Vegas.

Harrah's paid parking

For the moment, the paid parking machines at Harrah’s are living by the motto, “No glove, no love.”

From what we could see at the Linq casino, the roll-out of paid parking is going fairly smoothly. The company has installed the promised upgrades to the parking facilities, including availability indicators (rather than green and red, they used green and purple and blue).

Speaking of red lights and green lights, it’s ironic the parking gates at Linq light up red and green. This is the same system we first reported Caesars Entertainment using to monitor comped drinks at its casino bars.

It’s important to note that as you’re exiting the resort, you can pay at the gate on the way out, but those machines take credit or debit cards only. If you only have cash, pay inside the casino.

Caesars Palace paid parking

Caesars Palace visionary Jay Sarno would be spinning in his grave. In celebration. Because who are we kidding? Rich guys get rich by making money.

And, so, paid parking in Las Vegas is pretty much universal. There are a few hold-outs on The Strip, but they’ll eventually have to cave as bargain-hunters make their way to the free lots.

A few of the remaining Strip hotels with free parking include Tropicana, Circus Circus, SLS Las Vegas and Stratosphere. Hooters and Lucky Dragon, just off The Strip, are also free.

While paid parking is a break from tradition in Las Vegas, it’s clearly here to stay, and ultimately a business necessity for casinos as gambling revenue declines. Gambling used to pay for all the freebies in the casino, but now each part of the casino’s business has to be profitable or at least self-sustaining.

Caesars Palace paid parking

Caesars Palace still has a few wrinkles to iron out with its space counter thingys.

Sure, parking fees are irksome, but it’s good to keep things in perspective. Las Vegas remains one of the premier travel destinations in the world, and paid parking is the norm in every major city in the country.

bally's paris paid parking

Update (4/7/17): Paid parking is in effect at Bally’s and Paris. Bonjour, le suck.

So, either budget for parking fees or take advantage of the various ways you can skip paying for parking altogether.

Paid parking doesn’t make Vegas any less Vegas, just as paying for sex doesn’t make it any less sex. Allegedly.

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10 Ways Visiting Las Vegas is Like Getting a Colonoscopy

When you think of visiting Las Vegas, it’s unlikely the first thing that pops into your mind is “Colonoscopy!”

Surprisingly, though, those two experiences have a lot in common. And probably not in the ways you think.

Here, then, is a hastily-slapped-together list of “10 Ways Visiting Las Vegas is Like Getting a Colonoscopy.” In case that wasn’t clear from the title of this blog post. Please try and keep up.

1. Preparation is Essential

When it comes to visiting Las Vegas, planning is critical. Ditto colonoscopies. The preparation
stage isn’t the most fun, but time spent planning is time well spent. Do your research, think
things through and you’ll get the most out of your visit. Or procedure. Whichever.

Miracle Mile colon art

Hey, you try and find photos that combine Las Vegas with colonoscopies.

2. There Will Be Lots of Drinking Involved

Whether you’re hitting Sin City or getting an endoscopic exam of your large bowel and the distal
part of the small bowel, drinking is going to play a key role. In Vegas, you’ll be drinking to
lose your inhibitions. With a colonoscopy, it’ll be a liquid laxative to give your doctor an
unobstructed view of your patootie. Which, we fully realize, is a word which hasn’t been used
since 1971, but let’s not get bogged down with word choice.

3. You’re Bound to Meet Fascinating People

When you visit Las Vegas, be open to meeting intriguing new people, it’s part of the fun. The
same goes for your medical procedure. You’re sure to meet doctors, anesthesiologists, nurses and, in our case, legions of interns observing the colonoscopy. Some of your best memories will be of the people you meet, guaranteed.

4. At Some Point Your Ass Will be Hanging Out, and It’s OK

Whether you’re donning a hospital gown or hitting a Las Vegas dayclub, it’s pretty much inevitable you’re going to be overexposed. This isn’t the time to be shy. Nobody’s judging you. Be confident, be fearless and, please, avoid sitting on anything cold.

Crazy Girls Las Vegas

Two for two.

5. There Will Be Parts You Don’t Remember

While you’re sure to have lots of colorful memories during your Vegas visit, or colonoscopy, there are also going to be portions of your experience you won’t remember at all. Just know a lot of fascinating things happened during those gaps in time, and look forward to seeing the photos, because you know they’re out there.

6. You’ll Probably Have to Deal With Some Crap

Unwanted Fees. Scheduling mishaps. Long check-in lines. These are all part of the deal when it comes to colonoscopies. And visits to Las Vegas. We’re finally starting to hit our stride with this comedic premise, don’t you think? Thanks for your patience.

Caesars Palace Caesar statue

Given the fact there are no fingers involved with a colonoscopy, we’re probably stretching it.

7. There Are Sure to Be Surprises

You simply never know what you’ll encounter during a colonoscopy. It’s possible you’ll discover a polyp. The same goes for Las Vegas. You may encounter a polyp. More than likely he’ll be performing an upside-down straight jacket escape at Luxor.

8. Sometimes You’ll Feel Like You’re Taking It In the Rear

Discomfort can result from both rectal probing and cold streaks in a Las Vegas casino. In either case, the feeling will pass. Keep your cool, take deep breaths and power through.


One of those moments.

9. It’ll Be Over Before You Know It

Time flies both when you’re visiting Las Vegas and when you’re having a colonoscopy. When you visit Las Vegas, it feels like you’re just warming up and it’s time to go home. A colonoscopy’s exactly the same, except that the fact it’s over quickly is possibly the best thing in the world. How Einstein never used the comparison between a Las Vegas visit and a colonoscopy to illustrate time is relative, we’ll never know.

Crystals Las Vegas

We’re sorry you’ll never again be able to see the whirlpools at Crystals mall at CityCenter without thinking of colons. Probably.

10. Expect to Do It Again at Regular Intervals

While the motivations may be different, the result is the same. Expect you’ll visit Las Vegas and have a colonoscopy on a regular basis from here on out. (Hopefully, not at the same time.) In both scenarios, you’re taking the measures necessary to live a longer, happier life.

Whether you’re visiting Las Vegas or getting a colonoscopy, thanks for visiting the Vital Vegas blog. Which, for the purposes of this article, we’re sort of wishing was called the Vital Pahrump blog.

We’ll wait.

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All Net Arena Takes Part in Las Vegas Ritual of Pointlessly Pushing Dirt Around

For Las Vegas projects that can’t get financing, there’s a time-honored tradition: The technical term is “Pushing Dirt Around.”

Alon did it before its plug was pulled, and now workers at the All Net Arena and Resort site, between SLS Las Vegas and the abandoned Fontainebleau resort—the former location of the Wet ‘n Wild water park—are doing some dirt pushing of their own.

All Net Arena construction

Of all the projects not happening in Las Vegas, All Net Arena is certainly one of those.

The folks behind the troubled All Net Arena and Resort project, led by ex-NBA player Jackie Robinson, are grading the site, which is a fancy way of saying, you guessed it, “moving dirt around.”

Presumably, there are plans to build underground parking and install utilities as well. Why one would do these things, when there’s virtually no hope the project’s ever going to fly, we have no idea. Las Vegas developers may not always have financial backing, but they rarely lack optimism.

Along those lines, Robinson says the project should open in December 2019, or roughly around the time we all have flying cars.

All Net Arena construction

“Grading” is the process of ensuring a site’s subsoil is level to provide a solid base for an erection. Oh, just make up your own joke.

The All Net Arena and Resort will cost $1.3 billion, and is supposed to have a 22,000-seat arena, a retail and restaurant complex and a 500-room hotel.

There’s been lots of asshattery behind the scenes with the project, including lawsuits galore. Read more from the Las Vegas Review-Journal, currently the only entity with the patience to wade through all this crap.

All Net Arena construction

It’s the construction site version of “Where’s Waldo?”

Despite the bleak outlook for All Net Arena, we’re rooting for its success, because we love new Las Vegas things, and the north end of The Strip can use all the help it can get.

Somebody obviously scraped together the cash to do the grading of the site (trust us, nobody’s working on credit with this organization), so anything’s possible.

All Net Arena Las Vegas

Sure, there’s a whole lot of nothing at the All Net Arena site now, but just wait until you see the amount of nothing there will be in 2019.

Whether All Net Arena gets off the ground or not, abandoned underground parking is far less an eyesore than a hulking carcass like Fontainebleau or 250-foot concrete pillars.

We’re looking at you, SkyVue observation wheel.

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Las Vegas Gets First Strip Club to Accept Bitcoin

A new strip club in Las Vegas, The Legends Room, will be the first in Sin City, and possibly the world, to accept Bitcoin.

Bitcoin is a digital currency understood by approximately four people, total.

The Legends Room strip club (sorry, “gentlemen’s cabaret”) opens in April 2017, and announced it will accept Bitcoin in addition to traditional forms of payment for its services.

Legends bitcoin

The Legends Room will accept not only Bitcoin, but 29 other equally baffling cryptocurrencies.

The club, located at 4416 Paradise Road, near the Hard Rock Hotel (a partner in The Legends Room), is the site of the former Club Paradise. Club Paradise closed after being embroiled in a credit card fraud scandal.

A visit to the official Legends Room site sheds no light on how the whole Bitcoin experience will work. A news release states the club’s memberships are “recorded using blockchain technology.”

We have personally read the club’s news release 141 times, and are still confounded by the cavalcade of terms like “Winklevoss ETF,” “fractional ownership,” “active aftermarket” and “liquidity opportunities.”

We’re sort of just here for the lap dances.

Bitcoin Las Vegas

How to purchase Bitcoin: 1) Create a Bitcoin wallet (like a Bitcoin bank account). 2) Find a Bitcoin ATM. 3) Scan your hand. 4) Become confused. 5) Ask the Internet for help.

Kudos to The Legends Room for being the first strip club to accept Bitcoin, or perhaps more accurately, Titcoin™. Admit it, we’ve shown extraordinary restraint and maturity not using that term before now.

In the name of giving you the exhaustive investigative journalism you so richly deserve, we’ll have to drag our prized 0.31725361 Bitcoin (currently valued at $402.76) to The Legends Room when it opens. Naturally, we’ll need to brush up on our strip club slang first.

While The Legends Room can claim it’s the first strip club to accept Bitcoin, it’s not the first adult-oriented business in Las Vegas to do so. Back in May 2014, the Bunnies of Las Vegas escort service was the first business of its kind to accept Bitcoin.

Talk about liquidity opportunities.

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Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill Gets Red Solo Cup Chandeliers

The next time you swing by Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar & Grill at Harrah’s Las Vegas, look up. There, you’ll see some new flair, specifically, red Solo cup chandeliers.

Yes, that’s an actual thing.

Red solo cup chandelier

We are not making this up.

I Love This Bar & Grill at Harrah’s has been serving up ample portions of American favorites delivered by attractive young women in assless chaps since June 29, 2005.

“Red Solo Cup,” of course, was a big hit by Toby Keith, so it follows his namesake restaurant on the Las Vegas Strip would have accoutrements inspired by the song. The video for “Red Solo Cup” has received more than 37 million views on YouTube.

Red solo cup chandelier

Solo cups come in other colors, but 60% of all Solo cups are red.

Fun fact: The “Red Solo Cup” video features cameos by some Las Vegas regulars, including Lance Burton, Carrot Top, Jeff Dunham and Sammy Hagar.

While it’s not often in the headlines, Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar & Grill does solid business at Harrah’s.

Red solo cup chandelier

Upside down beer pong is considered the most difficult drinking game, ever.

The tongue-in-cheek red Solo cup chandeliers actually serve to class the place up a bit, and we’re a big fan of both creativity and self-depricating humor.

We can’t recall ever having had a meal at Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar & Grill, but we’ve had cocktails there, which might explain the first part of this sentence.

Look, it’s a slow news day, so cut us some slack.

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