Bleutech Park Las Vegas Breaks Bullshit Record With $7.5 Billion Project Claims

This blog loves it some batshit crazy news releases, and this one’s a doozy.

A company called Bleutech Park Properties has announced a $7.5 billion (with a “b”) mixed-use project, Bleutech Park Las Vegas. It’s not happening, but that doesn’t make it any less exciting!

The news release announcing this fanciful project fails to mention where Bleutech Park Las Vegas is supposed to happen, but let’s not get bogged down in details!

The Bleutech Park Las Vegas announcement is easily one of the most buzzword-rich news releases we’ve seen in ages. (Better up your game, The Drew.)

Bleutech Park Las Vegas

Pace yourself, Bleutech Park. You’ve already blown through your 2019 WTF allowance.

Here’s a sample of some of the copious bullshittery:

googie first city in the world to boast a digital revolution in motion, redefining the infrastructure industry sector

googie net-zero buildings within their own insular mini-city will feature automated multi-functional designs

googie autonomous vehicles, artificial intelligence (AI), augmented reality, Internet of Things (IoT), robotics, supertrees, and self-healing concrete structures

googie showcasing energy generation and storage, waste-heat recovery, water purification, on-site waste treatment and localized air cleaning

googie introducing a new high-tech biome to the desert valley

googie smart buildings equipped with new, self-healing, energy-generating, and breathable materials

googie we are not making this up, swear

googie with the use of unmanned aerial systems and AI, the construction site will become a living, breathing blueprint

googie flooring systems will capture and reuse the energy of human movement

googie buildings will be connected to a broader highly sustainable network of supertrees allowing a 95 percent reduction in imported water consumption and an opportunity for improved biodiversity

googie able to spring forth the IoT with cutting capabilities and applications

googie there’s no way you read this far, we totally get it

googie photovoltaic glass will be standard in all structures

googie these new technologies could create close to a Super-Workforce of the future

googie robotics will be an essential part of the technology ecosystem providing 365/24/7 security using biometrics and other state-of-the-art technologies

Clearly, this is easily one of the most gloriously guano-filled crackerdog news release in the history of Las Vegas-related news releases.

Bleutech Park WTF

Suck it, lawyers, satire! Or possibly parody. Oh, and if you try to sue us, we’re suing you for ripping off Simon for your logo, so suck it.

This wildly imaginative project is expected to create more than imaginary 25,000 jobs, most of them no doubt involving showing up to a vacant lot wondering how to make coffee out of sand.

Bleutech Park Las Vegas will presumably break ground in Las Vegas in December 2019 and will take six years to complete.

That timeline could changed based upon a number of factors, though, including the availability of certain construction materials essential to this project like “boundless optimism” and “unbridled whimsy.”

As is the way of much of our Las Vegas media, this story is being reported as if it’s a real thing. Awkward.

It’s just deeply stupid, and everyone involved should be forced to read the Bleutech Park Las Vegas news release repeatedly until they lose their equilibrium and walk headlong into the trunk of a supertree, whatever that might actually be.

10 thoughts on “Bleutech Park Las Vegas Breaks Bullshit Record With $7.5 Billion Project Claims

  1. FYMYAWF

    Why does Vegas mainstream media seem to feel the need to continue to report these ridiculous, created from thin air “press releases” that make no mention of, oh, I don’t know, WHERE THE $7.9B IS COMING FROM?

    Such obvious PR bullshittery would be laughed out of the newsroom by any other self-respecting city’s newspaper. And it happens all the time there. Are Las Vegans just more prone to gullibility (or infinite optimism) than other large cities?

    You would NEVER see this story hit print here in SF until financing was secured and ground broken.

    Reply
    1. AOC&JessicaSarahParker_HorseHeaven77

      What is a newspaper? And what is this print you go on about?

      Also other than “we are not making this up, swear”, I have absolutely no effing idea what any of those points mean…

      Reply
  2. Jake

    You sure this wasn’t some design students’ final project and they figured, “Hey let’s see how far we can take this?”

    Reply
  3. Doug

    Bleutech will be inhabited by simulated citizens who eat cyber food and emit antimatter as waste. Groups of them are known for their propensity to drum on various objects.

    Reply
  4. Acehole

    Another reliable internet source reports it will occupy the site of the to-be-dropped FontaineDrew and built primarily from materials recycled from the debris pile (by fully autonomous self-created machines and retired Kind Heaven Project staff operating 3D printers). The Bleu in its name is a legacy preserving play on the former glory of its planned location.

    A partially obscured note on Sheet 7 of its Jetsonesque Transport Center FAA application renderings appear to indicate some sort of collaboration between Steve W, LVCVA, Amazon/Google, AT&T and Comcast, along with a group of reputable unnamed oligarchs, mafiosos, cartels, former politicians and EB-5 visa applicants.

    The source wouldn’t comment on rumored plans for an adjacent dome/stadium/arena/concrete park complex but did indicate plans include plenty of ultra-upscale shopping (including a big box Fine Furs purveyor) and a Walgreens.

    Reply
  5. Scott S.

    I get where you are coming from, but how do you KNOW it’s BS. Has anyone tried to reach the men referenced in the articles at CISCO and Martin Harris?

    Reply

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