Monthly Archives: December 2020

New Bleutech Project Rendering Arouses Interest

If you’ve ever wondered whether the Bleutech Park project is a complete joke, you’re not alone, and now it’s been confirmed.

The self-deluded scam artists behind the whimsical and absolutely-not-happening project have released a rendering that may even suggest they’re in on the joke. Emphasis on “may.”

Here’s a look at Bleutech’s high-rise building.

Bleutech tower schlong

Insert your favorite “erection” joke here. We’re hung over.

In response to the rendering, the Internet did what it does best. Here’s one of our favorite jabs. Another Tweet suggests the rooftop could use a fountain.

Bleutech followed up on this schlong-awaited reveal with a cross-section touting the fact the project’s alleged building will feature “33-plus levels of casino.” Bleutech clearly doesn’t appear to have a firm grasp on anything, much less what a casino is.

Bleutech just the tip

Here’s a closer look at just the tip. Hey, we aren’t that hung over.

Despite the fact Bleutech appears to have zero financing for its make-believe, $7.5 billion project, the company has continued to churn out baffling Tweets for months.

This Tweet contained one of the most phallic objects, ever, and we know a thing or two about that as we are pretty much 14 years old and wrote this blog post: Eight Memorable Phallic Objects in Las Vegas.

To Bleutech’s credit, the Tweet did contain the words “thrust” and “fluid,” so it’s possible the gag (ahem) is intentional, but given the history of the company’s social media (humorless, in addition to being clueless), we think not.

Here, Bleutech, let us help. In the words of our generation, “Schwing.”

Bleutech Vegas penis

How are we supposed to satirize things that are already absurd?

We happily called out Bleutech for being a scam back when it was announced in August 2019. The company’s news release broke all known records for bullshit, which is saying something in Las Vegas.

The announcement was quickly followed by confirmation one of the developers, Janet LeGrand, has a history of “scheming to defraud.”

Shortly after that, the communications consultant for Bleutech sued the company for stiffing him. Pun intended.

Honestly, Bleutech’s Tweets are hysterical, and a master class in meaningless jargon, random emojis and masturbatory hashtags. But those renderings!

Bleutech Vegas WTF

Seriously, Bleutech needs a wellness check.

Although amusing, the company’s social media posts are also sad, as it’s entirely possible they actually believe their project is happening. Ever.

They’ve even managed to dupe some big name partners who appear to have no clue what they’ve gotten into. Same goes for media outlets who apparently aren’t fans of “asking questions” or “having half a brain.” Sigh.

In Bleutech’s fantasy world, anything’s possible, so we await future revelations, throbbing with anticipation.

10 Reasons the “Best of Las Vegas” Awards Are a Laughable Shitshow

It’s that time again! The Las Vegas Review-Journal recently unveiled its “Best of Las Vegas”
awards, and predictably, it’s a doozy.

The “doozy,” of course, was the precursor of the “shitshow,” and these awards more than qualify.

Bestish of Las Vegas

Let the shames begin.

It’s hard to describe the “Best of Las Vegas” awards (informally referred to as the “Naqvi Awards”), other than to say these so-called awards are responsible for myriad faces connecting with myriad palms.

The awards never fail to surprise and confound, including that time Strat won in 30 categories,
including “Best Wedding Chapel” and “Best Shrimp Cocktail.” Love the Strat, but please. (It should be noted The Strat, then called The Stratosphere, was under different ownership back in 2017. Their awards are now more merit-based.)

The “Best of Las Vegas” awards are voted upon by the public, and are essentially a digital marketing contest.

Las Vegas companies spend inordinate amounts of time and money trying to win these awards,
despite the fact no company has ever actually seen a return on this investment, as no one has ever used these awards to decide where they’ll go or what they’ll do in Las Vegas.

The “Best of Las Vegas” awards are basically a revenue-generating mechanism for the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Advertising opportunities abound, and when you win an award, winners get to pay $2,500 to use the “Best of Las Vegas” logo on their Web site, so there’s that.

A substantial portion of the newspaper’s annual revenue comes from these awards, and while we don’t blame them for wanting to make money, we also enjoy calling out how ridiculous some of these awards are.

Here, then, are 10 examples where digital marketing prowess won out over taste and common sense in the “Best of Las Vegas” awards.

1. Best Happy Hour: Saddle N Spurs Saloon

Let’s start with the cream of the crop in this year’s awards! That’s right, Saddle N Spurs Saloon has the best happy hour in Las Vegas.

The incredulity factor spikes here when you realize this place we’ve never heard of actually won multiple awards: Best Bar Food, Best Burger, Best Chicken Wings/Tenders, Best Country Bar and Best Showroom/Live Venue.

The mind reels. Screw you Park Theater, T-Mobile and Colosseum. All the superstars play Saddle N Spurs Saloon!

SNS Saloon Vegas

Chicken tenders award goes to Whiskey Licker Up at Binion’s.

Not only did Saddle N Spurs Saloon snag a number of prestigious “Best of Las Vegas” awards, it’s also the recipient of our “Vital Vegas WTF” award, which we didn’t know existed until writing
this blog post.

Gird your loins, we’re just getting started.

2. Best Breakfast: Emerald Island Casino

Given the plethora of world-class restaurants in Las Vegas, it’s quite an accomplishment for the Emerald Island Casino to be awarded “Best Breakfast.” As we have not eaten breakfast at Emerald Island, we can’t speak to that aspect of the award. What we do know is it’s not in Las Vegas. Henderson can get its own awards.

3. Best Cocktail Bar: Stage Door Casino

Stage Door Casino is a beloved haunt for many Vegas visitors, so we can’t deny its popularity. However, “Best Cocktail Bar” is probably not a category perfectly suited to this self-proclaimed dive bar. Stage Door also won Best Hot Dogs. Haven’t tried them, but good luck with that, dissenting opinions welcome.

Stage Casino

We’re pretty sure this sign at Stage Door says “Tito’s.”

4. Best Dessert: Yogurtland

We have visited Yogurtland, and their yogurt is, indeed, tasty. Which sort of isn’t the point. The
point is whether Yogurtland has the best desserts in Las Vegas. We have tried far too many desserts in Las Vegas, and we can personally attest if people actually believe Yogurtland has the best dessert in Las Vegas, “People done lost they minds.”

Oakville Las Vegas

Just throwing this beauty at Oakville Steakhouse inside The Trop out there.

5. Best Fine Dining: Tuscany Gardens

Tuscany Gardens is a restaurant at the Tuscany Suites & Casino. We like the Tuscany casino quite a bit. Tuscany Gardens is probably a lovely restaurant. However, Tuscany Gardens being named the best fine dining restaurant in Las Vegas is the kind of embarrassment against which all other “Best of Las Vegas” award embarrassments should be measured.

6. Best Tacos: Pub 365

We are not making this up. Again, love the Tuscany, but we aren’t even sure Pub 365’s tacos are the best tacos at the Tuscany.

Tuscany Las Vegas casino

There’s a lot to love at Tuscany, even when it’s not Taco Tuesday.

7. Best Strip Restaurant: Margaritaville

Again, love Margaritaville. It’s a party, and a woman in a bikini sometimes slides into a giant blender. What’s not to love? Margaritaville being named “Best Strip Restaurant,” however, makes us think these awards are just an elaborate prank.

Margaritaville blender girl

Margirlrita.™

8. Best Comedian: Butch Bradley

Butch. You’re probably awesome. Please don’t talk shit about us on your Twitter account. But, seriously. Comedy, like tacos, is subjective, but if you were the best comedian in the “Entertainment Capital of the World,” we’d have heard of you. All we’re saying there’s a lot of competition. Carrot Top. Penn. Piff. Hammer and Cools and Garrett and Seinfeld. Oh, yeah, we said Seinfeld. We’re definitely getting shit talked about us.

9. Best Strip Hotel Pool: Tahiti Village

Haven’t been there, still skeptical, sorry. Ever been to Mandalay Bay? Or Caesars Palace? How about Cosmo? Golden Nugget literally has a waterslide running through a shark tank. ‘Nuff said.

10. Best Holiday Experience: Glittering Lights

It’s been confirmed, the “Best of Las Vegas” awards are definitely an elaborate prank. Glittering Lights at the Las Vegas Speedway is undeniably one of the worst attractions in Las Vegas, holiday-themed or not. We call it the “Drive of Crushing Disappointment.” The light displays mostly consist of advertisements, and the live nativity scene is monumentally awkward. Steer clear of this collision of weak and sauce, and certainly don’t encourage these folks with awards.

Glittering Lame

Now, we know why people are so depressed during the holidays.

If your mouth is agape, you’re not alone. These are just some of the highlights of this annual avalanche of “Whuh?”

We’re not even going to point out that the award for Best Elder Law was won by Young Law Group.

The crazy part is that while virtually no one takes these awards seriously, virtually every company wants to win them.

We have to wonder if the “Best of Las Vegas” awards ever give the folks at the Las Vegas Review-Journal (our paper of record) pause. When they see the results, do they cringe like the rest of us?

Better yet, do the winners of the awards ever cringe? Do the folks at Saddle N Spurs Saloon actually believe they have the best happy hour in Las Vegas? If so, we’ll have what they’re having.

All due respect to the entities that actually deserve their wins!

Ultimately, these awards are up to us. We vote. It’s democracy in action, and democracy always nails it, right?

See all the Best of Las Vegas awards on the official Web site. We recommend you avoid drinking milk while you’re doing it.

Downtown Grand Halts Table Games Midweek

In another lovely sign of the challenges facing Las Vegas casinos at the moment, Downtown Grand has stopped operating its table games on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

While Downtown Grand’s casino table games area has never really been considered lively, at least they had one, and the experience was always enjoyable.

Downtown Grand

We love Downtown Grand’s casino because it’s quiet. Just not closed quiet, please.

Downtown Grand is the latest casino grappling with weak demand mid-week. Winter is always slow in Las Vegas, but without NFR and conventions, we’re pretty much screwed.

Adjusting table games hours can help reduce labor costs, and slot machines end up doing the heavy lifting on revenue generation for casinos.

For example, Circus Circus bailed on its table games mid-week. The worst part is all the kids are now limited to the definitely-not-gambling games in the midway. Bummer!

Circus Circus

A casino without table games is like an “O” without a “69.”

Hotel towers are partially closing as well. Mandalay Bay, Mirage and Park MGM close their hotels midweek, for example.

Encore also closed midweek due to soft demand.

Palazzo recently announced it would temporarily close its hotel tower seven days a week.

Rooms, schmooms, don’t take away our roulette, blackjack and craps! We need something to do after our chicken parm at Triple George.

Downtown Grand’s situation is particularly interesting because it recently opened a new hotel tower. While we’re pretty sure Downtown Grand has never earned a dollar of profit from its casino, it’s had strong demand for lodging in the past, hence the expansion.

Sadly, the new tower opened in the middle of the pandemic.

Downtown Grand hotel tower

Come hell or high water, Vegas keeps making new things.

It feels like Las Vegas is being tested.

Hang in there, Downtown Grand. We’re rooting for you, and we’ll be by to try our hand at those excellent video poker machines at Furnace bar soon.

Red Rock Casino Erects Huge-Ass Gingerbread Replica of Itself

We tend to lean toward Scrooge on the holiday spectrum, but when Red Rock Resort announced it had built a giant gingerbread replica of itself, we got a serious dose of the Christmas spirit.

It’s big. It’s awesome. It’s edible. Just like us.

Red Rock gingerbread

Please don’t lick the frosting. In Vegas, that costs extra.

Red Rock’s gingerbread homage to itself is about five feet tall and free to see on the resort’s casino floor. You can find it near the Grand Cafe and T-Bones restaurant.

This sugary monument to master bakers with too much time on their hands took a whopping 500 hours to construct.

Red Rock gingerbread

If you’re only reading these photo captions, you missed a perfectly good “master baker” joke. Shame on you.

We asked for some details about the faux Red Rock, which the company’s crack PR team promptly ignored. A smidge Grinch-like, but par for the course.

Come to find out, the edible Red Rock model features: 160 pounds of chocolate, 50 pounds of sugar, 40 pounds of rock candy, two pounds of edible copper paint, 60 pounds of fondant, 30 pounds of butter cream frosting, 40 pounds of Rice Krispie treats, 80 pounds of modeling chocolate, five pounds of cocoa nibs and five pounds of praline nibs.

Edible casino

If we ever have a band, we’re going to call it Five Pounds of Praline Nibs.

The Red Rock replica has lots of fun little details, including a miniature marquee, baby Christmas trees and an ingestible pool.

Red Rock pool cookie

They apparently didn’t have time to make any gingerbread hotties. Next year!

Props to Red Rock’s culinary team for their impressive confection and engineering skills.

Sadly, we assume that when the gingerbread casino is dismantled after the holidays, it will not be edible. You know how your clothing smells after a few hours in a casino? Ditto gingerbread.

It’s worth noting every time 40 pounds of Rice Krispie treats goes uneaten, an angel loses its wings.

Red Rock Christmas

Baby Jesus gets the best birthday cakes!

Despite the best efforts of the PR department, Red Rock Resort remains one of our favorite locals places to play and drink, and mostly that second thing.

Red Rock Resort is about 15 minutes west of the Las Vegas Strip, and while we wouldn’t necessarily recommend a special trip just to see the gingerbread Red Rock look-alike, make sure to check it out if you’re in the neighborhood.

Health Pass Is the Future of Las Vegas Conventions, Events and Nightclubs

With a COVID vaccine close at hand, there’s a lot of optimism related to a rebound for Las Vegas conventions, nightclubs and sporting events.

There’s a fair amount of apprehension, too, but casinos and entertainment venues have their eyes on a potential solution: Health Pass.

Health Pass

Remember concerts? Yeah, let’s have those again.

A number of companies have rushed to try and make “experiences safer and easier,” but Health Pass has already has a foothold, and we hear a number of Las Vegas entities will use this as their solution to concerns about COVID or other dangers even after the vaccine is rolled out.

Through its CLEAR app, Health Pass basically connects I.D. verification, lab results and ticketing, so venues know someone’s cool to attend an event or convention.

The app includes real-time health surveys, helping venues do additional screening for possible symptoms.

The service also includes kiosks that test temperatures to streamline guest entry into venues.

Clear Kiosk

Now, before you see Lady Gaga, you’ll probably see this.

Guests use QR codes as tickets, confirming they have tested negative for COVID-19 or whatever bug might present itself in the future.

One of the benefits of this service is it ensures the person attending an event is the one with the clean bill of health.

How have brothels not started using this service, we have no idea.

Asia was way ahead of the curve on using testing and apps to reopen some of its nightlife venues, and it appears Vegas companies will follow that lead.

Such services will be critical moving forward if Vegas wants to get its Cirque shows and conventions back as quickly as possible.

We also built a big-ass stadium, and want to check it out despite the fact it will have sports in it.

Here’s a video that sort of explains what Health Pass does.

Is Jane really all that excited to get back to her office? Yoga pants and boxed wine say different, but moving on.

Health Pass is already being used at McCarran airport. We pretty much ignored the news CLEAR was being implemented in 2014, but that’s because it was mainly an identification verification service to speed up security checks. In 2020, it’s a whole new world.

There are a lot of questions about all this moving forward, of course.

Health surveys, even real-time, are self-reporting, which seems fraught with potential uselessness (as someone can just misrepresent their condition).

There’s also the possibility someone could get infected between the when they get tested and when they attend an event.

Still, a lot of safety measures accomplish something important: They help build public confidence.

CLEAR Health Pass is one to watch as we move into the next phase of the epic WTF this pandemic has been.

Vegas needs people back. We need conventions and shows desperately. We need our international visitors. We hear big players like Ticketmaster and MGM Resorts think Health Pass will help make that happen.

Bang Bar to Replace Pok Pok Wing at Cosmo’s Food Court

Pok Pok Wing restaurant at Cosmopolitan has announced it will close on Dec. 6, 2020.

You remember 2020, right? The worst year for restaurants and pretty much everything, ever.

Pok Pok Tweeted: “It was a very fun ride, with great partners but it was a licensed deal that had an end date. Thanks for all your support and be sure to stop by before Sunday to get all the wings you can.”

Pok Pok

Goodbye, delicious and underrated wings.

We were hoping for a little more juicy drama around the closure of Pok Pok, but it seems COVID is the likely culprit in the closure of Pok Pok, as the chain’s other outlets have struggled.

If there is any drama, we look forward to you sharing it with us. Ahem.

A day after the announced closure of Pok Pok in its Block 16 food court (sorry, “urban food hall”), Cosmo announced its replacement, Bang Bar.

The news release for Bang Bar says it is a new concept from chef David Chang. The same news release references there’s a Bang Bar that opened in New York in 2018. So, upon further reflection, let’s go with “new-ish.”

Bang Bar

How did a restaurant get this name before a brothel nabbed it?

Chef David Chang, of course, is also the force behind Cosmo’s Momofuku restaurant and has consistently been voted one of the least pleasant chefs to work with, divawise.

Oh, wait, “It’s perfectionism!” Just have to stay one step ahead of the folks in public relations. We trust “bad boy” also works, as it has a romantic ring to it.

Chang is also the guy who donated a million dollars he won on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” to hospitality workers. His Netflix series, “Ugly Delicious,” is worth a look. Fun fact: Chang’s father originally wanted him to be a pro golfer, because it was seen as more stable than being a restaurateur.

Thankfully, “celebrity” chefs are rarely in their restaurants, so we can focus on the food.

Bang Bar will feature “spit-roasted meats wrapped in freshly griddled bang bread.” Which sounds delicious.

“Bang” means “bread” in Korean, so we’d better damn well get some great bread at Bang Bar.

Bang Bar bread

With bread this pretty, we don’t actually care that much about David Chang’s personality quirks.

The news release says, “In New York, menu favorites include The U Wrap, featuring bang bread filled and rolled with a choice of spicy pork, chicken or spicy eggplant and the Rice Bowl, made with rice, pickles, cabbage and a choice of spicy pork, chicken or spicy eggplant.”

We are not an eggplant person (nor should anyone be), but again, this sounds really good and we can’t wait to try it.

Bang Bar is expected to open in spring 2021.