10 Ways Visiting Las Vegas is Like Getting a Colonoscopy

When you think of visiting Las Vegas, it’s unlikely the first thing that pops into your mind is “Colonoscopy!”

Surprisingly, though, those two experiences have a lot in common. And probably not in the ways you think.

Here, then, is a hastily-slapped-together list of “10 Ways Visiting Las Vegas is Like Getting a Colonoscopy.” In case that wasn’t clear from the title of this blog post. Please try and keep up.

1. Preparation is Essential

When it comes to visiting Las Vegas, planning is critical. Ditto colonoscopies. The preparation
stage isn’t the most fun, but time spent planning is time well spent. Do your research, think
things through and you’ll get the most out of your visit. Or procedure. Whichever.

Miracle Mile colon art

Hey, you try and find photos that combine Las Vegas with colonoscopies.

2. There Will Be Lots of Drinking Involved

Whether you’re hitting Sin City or getting an endoscopic exam of your large bowel and the distal
part of the small bowel, drinking is going to play a key role. In Vegas, you’ll be drinking to
lose your inhibitions. With a colonoscopy, it’ll be a liquid laxative to give your doctor an
unobstructed view of your patootie. Which, we fully realize, is a word which hasn’t been used
since 1971, but let’s not get bogged down with word choice.

3. You’re Bound to Meet Fascinating People

When you visit Las Vegas, be open to meeting intriguing new people, it’s part of the fun. The
same goes for your medical procedure. You’re sure to meet doctors, anesthesiologists, nurses and, in our case, legions of interns observing the colonoscopy. Some of your best memories will be of the people you meet, guaranteed.

4. At Some Point Your Ass Will be Hanging Out, and It’s OK

Whether you’re donning a hospital gown or hitting a Las Vegas dayclub, it’s pretty much inevitable you’re going to be overexposed. This isn’t the time to be shy. Nobody’s judging you. Be confident, be fearless and, please, avoid sitting on anything cold.

Crazy Girls Las Vegas

Two for two.

5. There Will Be Parts You Don’t Remember

While you’re sure to have lots of colorful memories during your Vegas visit, or colonoscopy, there are also going to be portions of your experience you won’t remember at all. Just know a lot of fascinating things happened during those gaps in time, and look forward to seeing the photos, because you know they’re out there.

6. You’ll Probably Have to Deal With Some Crap

Unwanted Fees. Scheduling mishaps. Long check-in lines. These are all part of the deal when it comes to colonoscopies. And visits to Las Vegas. We’re finally starting to hit our stride with this comedic premise, don’t you think? Thanks for your patience.

Caesars Palace Caesar statue

Given the fact there are no fingers involved with a colonoscopy, we’re probably stretching it.

7. There Are Sure to Be Surprises

You simply never know what you’ll encounter during a colonoscopy. It’s possible you’ll discover a polyp. The same goes for Las Vegas. You may encounter a polyp. More than likely he’ll be performing an upside-down straight jacket escape at Luxor.

8. Sometimes You’ll Feel Like You’re Taking It In the Rear

Discomfort can result from both rectal probing and cold streaks in a Las Vegas casino. In either case, the feeling will pass. Keep your cool, take deep breaths and power through.

Roulette

One of those moments.

9. It’ll Be Over Before You Know It

Time flies both when you’re visiting Las Vegas and when you’re having a colonoscopy. When you visit Las Vegas, it feels like you’re just warming up and it’s time to go home. A colonoscopy’s exactly the same, except that the fact it’s over quickly is possibly the best thing in the world. How Einstein never used the comparison between a Las Vegas visit and a colonoscopy to illustrate time is relative, we’ll never know.

Crystals Las Vegas

We’re sorry you’ll never again be able to see the whirlpools at Crystals mall at CityCenter without thinking of colons. Probably.

10. Expect to Do It Again at Regular Intervals

While the motivations may be different, the result is the same. Expect you’ll visit Las Vegas and have a colonoscopy on a regular basis from here on out. (Hopefully, not at the same time.) In both scenarios, you’re taking the measures necessary to live a longer, happier life.

Whether you’re visiting Las Vegas or getting a colonoscopy, thanks for visiting the Vital Vegas blog. Which, for the purposes of this article, we’re sort of wishing was called the Vital Pahrump blog.

We’ll wait.

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  • Photoncounter

    11. You get a fresh start. Your body starts fresh with a brand new, clean digestive system right after you wake up dazed and confused. Similar to when you get tricked rolled at The Palms by those two lovely ladies who you actually believed thought you were a handsome dude! Now your wallet, work computer and luggage are gone so you can start fresh rebuilding your personal and professional reputation. Good luck, Buddy!

  • Thank you for this important and timely information. A close family member was undergoing a colonoscopy just yesterday, and I also thought about Las Vegas yesterday, as I do every day.

  • EnuffBull

    If you haven’t done it (Vegas or a colonoscopy) by age 50, you really need to do it now to get it out of your system!

  • RustyHammer

    #slownewsday

  • Sam Novak

    There’s some serious brilliance in this piece, Roeben. Serious brilliance.